This Thing Most Certainly Is Not Like The Other
If my television remote controlled the world I would turn up the contrast. How could one possibly go wrong by presenting two opposing entities together? Be it Good and evil, happy and sad or a white supremacist and Oprah, there is a lot to be learned from the juxtaposition of contrasting ideas. Although a juxtaposition can’t be found in the Kama Sutra, I feel it’s still one of the top five positions that exists outside of Sting’s bedroom. Think of the profound contrast that would be presented by Sting announcing racist beliefs on the Oprah Winfrey show. If Sting hates blacks and Oprah hates bee stings who is the bigger hate monger? It’s easy to side with Oprah because everyone hates bee stings and at the same time worries what sort of message Sting is sending to children in a bottle. Speaking of which, if your children are drinking from Sting’s bottle, chances are he’s watching you. If he is watching you, stop watching Oprah and break the bottle between Sting’s legs. Only then will he get the message that every breath you take will feel better knowing that every step he takes will be towards the hospital rather than the fertility clinic. This may seem harsh, but maybe a swift bottling will not only prevent him from reproducing, but from selling anymore melodies to P. Diddy as well. The contrast of a peaceful, well wishing Oprah with a racist, bottle crotched Sting is a powerful one. Early June presented two contrasting options. Ride straight from Mexico to Guatemala alone or Northeast to Belize with a couple of Volkswagen laden Norwegians? It’s a question of mountainous jungle versus jungle and vikings. As I weighed my options I found both to be very light. Not because they were undesirable, but because an option doesn’t actually weigh anything. Upon this realization, I thought about other expressions that can be taken too seriously. I immediately removed my nude photo of Sting from Ebay that came with an asking price of a thousand words. It was anonymously donated to the New York museum of reproductive history. With much less commitment to Internet commerce, I was happy to check out Belize and begin my journey into a land where beauty meets tension, Mayan meets Mormon and dream meets parking lot. For some reason knowing both sides of the fence allows one to appreciate his or her own yard. Isn’t that what travelling is all about? Travel agencies should offer packages based on contrast. I wonder what an advertisement for such a travel package would look like? I wonder . . . . . . . . .
First stop is Caye Culker, Belize. This is the most relaxed spot to be found on the Caribbean coast of Central America. Sand, sunshine and sea breeze mix with humourous and cheery attitudes to provide any traveller with the widely coveted Caribbean experience. Cruise a sailboat to your favorite dive spot, sip rum punch and watch the sun set to the taste of homemade banana bread. At nightfall it’s time for a search around the island for a savory, yet reasonably priced meal. At the North end of the island is world famous Jolly Roger’s Seafood. From the side of the road Jolly Roger will coax you to try his famous grilled snapper and shrimp. Be sure to be truthful when telling him you will return the next day to eat. If you don’t eventually return with money and an appetite Jolly Roger may resort to some unique sales techniques to further whet your holiday hunger. Be on your toes, because the conversation may go as follows. ”You boyz be f__kin wit me. You always tellin me tomorrow, tomorrow you gon eat here. And you neva do. You f__ken lyin to me.”
Jolly Roger’s bicycle sitting, gold chain laden companion may add from the most heartfelt depths of his wife beater, “You boyz be liaz. You be lyin to Jolly Roja”
If this three pronged punch of swearing, yelling and name calling still doesn’t get your juices flowing, Jolly Roger will then offer a pleasant salutation, “I’m done wit you boyz, get da f__k out my face”.
After such a Jolly experience, the rest of Belize will be a breeze. Cruise slowly along the narrow highways behind a shark tooth painted Volkswagen van. After a quick five days in Belize you will find yourself in Flores, Guatemala. Another island town, it’s set briskly in the middle of Lake Peten. There is plenty on offer here for travellers of all types. Stroll the cobblestone streets to find crisp, refreshing mountain vistas in all directions. Stop at a locally owned bakery or bistro to sample pleasantly prepared culinary varieties. A refreshing dip in Lake Peten can be just what the body needs as the sun sets behind the surrounding mountains. As day passes and the night heats up, salsa, reggaeton and electronica will get hips shaking and parties rolling until reasonable hours of the morning. The tranquility here allows a safe return home to your accommodation. Whether sleeping in a hotel, hostel or on the roof of a Norwegian’s 1971 Volkswagen, the island is small and the walk home leisurely. The chirping sound of the island’s birds may soothingly wake you in the morning. Listen carefully and you may hear the breaking bottles and passionate swears the resonate through the morning air. What you hear are street fights amongst locals. They are yet to return home because the night’s cocaine continues to run strong in their systems. Fortunately they have put aside their typical partying to put on an early morning performance. If you’re lucky enough to be sleeping on the roof of a Volkswagen in a parking lot, you’ll have a front row view of fist to face contact. The performers’ sense of audience will be impressively demonstrated by the swearing done in English, rather than in Spanish. Taste the sweet irony as you realize that the use of a bottle as a weapon is in fact a form of recycling. Slip calmly from the roof of the van and ask the Norwegians politely to drive away. A patient wait till the sun rises will subside the fighting and allow you to retrieve any of your possessions left in the parking lot. Be it a motorbike, car or digital camera, chances are the fighters have been too busy with their violence to resort to vandalizing your possessions.
With minimal sleep from the night before, you may not be ready for a road trip at all. Go anyway, what better way to soak in contrast than to do it tired on foreign roads with a motorbike? A charming town by the name of Rio Dulce awaits. A few days spent there will prepare you for an adventurous trip into the mountains along a secluded dirt road. As the road cuts, burns, winds and turns the magnificent Rio Cahaboncita thunders by. Climbing higher and higher into the mountains with increasingly more breathtaking scenery, you’ll see why Guatemala has become such a relaxing destination for the well worn traveller. Up, up the road climbs through green vegetation and steep hills that welcome all who are willing to visit. High in the mountains Mayan villages can be found with bustling markets, traditional forms of dress and languages that stem from ancient Mayan civilizations. As an outsider you will feel welcome. The smiling, innocent demeanor of locals will call for you to stay the night. Stop a moment to ask directions from a well dressed local. He may ask immediately if you are Mormon. Feeling that Mormonism is slightly out of place in the Guatemalan highlands is normal. When the conversation continues it will be made apparent that the man you are talking to is Mormon. Step back and absorb the contrast. One of life’s important realities is that one should never underestimate the far reaching power of the world’s Latter Day Saints. Adding further to your sense of contrast will be the fact that the Mormon you’re talking to is of indigenous Mayan decent and lives in a village of less than a hundred people, all of them of indigenous Mayans. Before you move on with your trip, be sure to listen very closely to the Mormon’s words. You certainly wouldn’t want to miss his advice regarding roadside banditry. Three times he has been robbed at gunpoint in the next village. There’s no need to worry on a motorbike, the bandits typically block the road with rocks that a bike can simply swerve around. “Be sure to drive fast”, he may say, “for if you don’t they still may be able to take you down”. After run ins with high strung Caribbeans and street fights in quiet colonial towns, you’ll be happy to take in the contrast of travelling 80 kilometers of mountain-set road eagerly glancing around every corner. The anticipation of being robbed at gun point will pump enough adrenaline through your system to enhance your amalgamation with the far reaching landscapes. Sure at a distance the machetes carried by locals look like guns, but what would contrast be without the element of surprise? Arrival at your destination will be one of relief. Sleep well, for after your brief stay in Lanquin contrast will continue to call your name throughout the most unexpected parts of Guatemala. . . . . . . . . . .
I personally recommend booking with contrast tours for a visit to any part of the world. It’s hard to imagine an island paradise with folk who ain’t dat nice. In fact most locals on Caye Culker were happy, friendly and downright Caribbean. A run in with the attitude of Jolly Roger was a definite reminder that although the Caribbean is beautiful, there are many Belizeans who live in less than ideal conditions. Dare I say that the world needs more ironically named fish salesman? Gang activity is most prevalent in Belize City and it spills over into all parts of the country. Being exposed to such activity is bound to breed attitudes more aggressive than the ones common in Calgary and other tranquil cities. That being said, street fights happen on a daily basis in Calgary. For some reason witnessing one in Guatemala made me feel more exposed than usual, but much less exposed than gnarstars.com would be if Oprah were to endorse it. Nonetheless, that exposure contrasted with the natural beauty of Lake Peten is what really opened my eyes to the fact that there is violent people everywhere. For some reason when given an opposite entity as a point of reference, the world appears much more vivid. When staring at the greener grass on the other side of the fence it’s always a good idea to hop over and take a look. The contrast of beautiful foreign grass with the fear that Sting is watching creates a fascinatingly insightful experience.
June 22nd, 2009 at 6:43 pm
What’s with your obsession with Sting, man..? Anyway, highly entertaining as usual. Glad to see that you’re alive, well and full of wisdom humour and more recently, contrast. Looking forward to photos!!
June 22nd, 2009 at 11:36 pm
You should forward this article to Oprah. I just forwarded it to my philosophy prof. Anyways good to see you are living? after all “to be truly challenging this life that we live, it must be built on a firm foundation of financial unrest…bankruptcy of pocket or bankruptcy of soul.” Looks like you are killing the soul part dude!
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Hey Andy - good to hear that you are still alive! Laura and I are going to be in Costa Rica at the end of August. If you’re around there maybe we can meet up and catch a couple off waves together. Let me know if you think you are going to be around or if you want more info about our itinerary.
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