Everyone is Stupid and Their Country Sucks
Oftentimes I tell women that I write word definitions for Webster’s dictionary. Although I claim to be in such a powerful occupation, I can’t get no satisfaction. For some reason anal retentive attention to linguistic mechanics is not attractive to a female, while Mick Jagger’s misuse of a double negative continues to keep women craving his heroine saturated carcass of a body. Perhaps this whole time he’s been attempting to tell the world that he enjoys a plethura of satisfaction. One’s interpretation of the song merely represents his or her instinctive disposition. A male relates to the song because of his day to day life. Don’t all men try and try and still remain satisfactionless? A woman on the other hand could understand the lyrics, but is busy dreaming of Mick’s love affair with David Bowie, his neon tank tops and the stuffed crotch of his pants. Upon my pointing out of Mick’s errors, a woman will typically resort to calling me names. If I did work for Webster’s I could easily swap the respective meanings of “pompous” and “windbag” with those of “charming” and “gentleman”. Regardless of the names I’ve been called, perception often overpowers fact. This is why women love Mick Jagger, I think he’s a flamer and no one really knows what the song satisfaction is about. Does the phrase “girly action” actually refer to a stint of Thai sex tourism? Speaking of perception, if one plays their cards right, he or she can be right about everything. If he or she is right about everything within his or her own perspective, everyone else must be stupid. Furthermore, they surely come from a place that sucks.
It has been explained to me on numerous occasions how much Mexico and the United States suck. For various reasons I should apparently stay away from both countries. Parting words of a Mexican dwelling American advised me to stay away from Mexicans. As the man drove away in his pick up he affectionately added a profound “Americans are the best”, accompanied by a rather passionate thumbs up.
After hearing this advice I immediately looked for flights to Atlanta with hopes of touring the Coca Cola factory. Upon realizing I couldn’t afford a flight and I’m much more into Pepsi, I chose to continue my journey through a country of a hundred million people with whom I should apparently never associate.
While attempting to continue my journey I encountered another American who offered an inventory of places where Americans can be found. To my surprise the list did not include Wal Mart, Domino’s Pizza or the Tommy Hilfiger sweat shop. However, the list did come with some subjective material. This same man who directed me towards Americans also explained his frustration with the overly conservative culture in the US. If this wasn’t ironic enough, he went on to explain his disgust at the number of homosexuals and transvestites in Southern California. I think the record already shows that to dream of a liberalized America without homosexuals is to pray for a Catholic Church without pedophiles. Does the phrase “let’s grant liberty to all who are normal” sound flawed to anyone?
Speaking of dreams, are they not just a sub concious perception of reality? Can dreams eventually become reality? This is where Stoc enters. On the boat ride from La Paz to Mazatlan Stoc disclosed many points of view that came across as rather “out to lunch”. He is travelling through Mexico while volunteering very personal information to all who are willing to listen. Stoc lives off of a trust fund. When I asked where the fund comes from I was slammed with a wall of drama more complicated than a fantasy novel. Between deaths of family members and complicated pregnancies Stoc was still able to fit in spirituality and a few conspiracy theories. Here are some of his finest quotables:
1 - “We had our baby at home because I thought the Illuminadi would kill it. It ended up stillborn anyway.”
2 - “Eventually the Illuminadi will crumble and I will be left to rule as a just King.”
3- “I can surf anything. I get big really easily.”
4 - “And that was the first time a Mexican woman paid me to marry her.”
I won’t take the time to explain the Illuminadi, but I highly suggest looking them up and drawing one’s own conclusions.
If such people come out of the US perhaps its wise I stay away. Many Mexicans I have met would certainly agree. Jim the tow truck driver at one point occupied the Spanish side of my brain for several hours. He described the US as a troubled place filled with drug violence, abortion and bill payments. I consider this to be an unfair stereotype for many reasons, but mostly because the national anthem’s conclusion is yet to be changed to say “drugged up land of the fees and the home of dead babies”.
At times the US can be likened to a rich teenager with a thyroid problem. His friends hate him for being fat. They don’t understand why he’s fat. They don’t know why they hate fat people. The only things they’re sure of are his swimming pool and hot sister. Both of which would become off limits if they were to offend him to his face.
A 20 year old Mexican female once ranted to me about the racist Americans and how their laziness forces them to be reliant on Mexican workers. She also mentioned that Hitler may have been right about the evil intentions of Jewish people. This comment was based on the conflict in Israel. I couldn’t help but feel it clashed with her previous idea that Americans are the racist ones. I guess I should remove Israel from my list of places to go? The girl also believed that the drug problem is rather one sided because only Americans, not Mexicans are the ones that use drugs. This has been disproven to me many times. While sharing a campfire with Mexican students, both joints and bags of flex were passed around. The students talked about flexing passionately and even recited poems about flexing. As I started to warm up for an imminent body building competition I realized the others were rather skinny. Not only were they skinny, but breathing deeply into and out of bags that contained industrial strength glue. I enjoyed their flexing related poetry, felt no pressure to try flexing and unfortunately had no wood furniture that needed repair. How the word “flex” relates to huffing glue is far beyond my conversational level of Spanish, but at least I learned something that day.
In Guadalajara I willingly accepted a free bike tour of the town. The guide was American born and had moved to Mexico to “challenge” himself. As we approached a section of the sidewalk with an expensive car parked on it, the guide halted. He explained how the Mexican elite tend to make a point of screwing others over in pompous ways. Being a dedicated fan of the Ironicles of Narnia, the guide chose to scratch the entire side of the car with his handlebars while members of the group simply went around the car. This method of “sticking it” to the man appeared about as subversive as writing a verbose blog on a website that’s supposed to be about action sports. Look for the Ironicles of Narnia to immediately open in human behavior everywhere.
In the last two months my eyes have been opened to many types of people to avoid and places that suck. It’s incredible how awful my life would be if I were to believe everyone’s stories. I may take that job at Websters after all. My first task would be to align “opinionated” and “misinformed” as synonyms. One’s perception is their reality no matter how narrow or broad. My perception is certainly changing. When a man from LA explained to me that Mexicans are poor because they’re an inferior species I realized that we are all wrong. When he followed up that he hates Mexicans as much as he does blacks I dreamt of a place we can all go to be wrong together. In this place we will worship the gods we have within, rather than fight about who’s invented gods are correct. If everyone kneels before ignoraitis, prejudonomous and hipocrates maybe they will all get along. Only then will Mick Jagger admit that getting old really isn’t a drag. The song can then be rewritten to say “the racist dragon is getting old”.
After a two week trip inland, I’m surfing my way down the Michoacan coast towards Ixtapa. It’s a hell of a time despite spending more time under waves than on them. I have uploaded photos for your viewing pleasure. If you don’t understand my references to the Rolling Stones, please continue to enjoy your childhood.
April 22nd, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Well, you’ve out done yourself again. The Irony here is that your face appears to be happy in most of the photos - which leads me to believe that the Ironicles of Narnia must be some kind of travelling disease that spreads to the keys of random computers and then leads readers to embrace the unfortunate circumstance of efficient savers of international companies’ sales representatives going on big trips and finding ignorance and racism running rampant. Perhaps that is why you spend so much time under the water - don’t let the fish drag you down, man. Get up and put the fingers to where the smile is you rat bastard. Keep the ‘flex’ to a minimum and stay away from Americans, especially ones that travel, are open minded and have affinity for the locals AND speak spanish. I abhor the thought of my little brother getting more than his fair share of worldly experiences..
May the Ironicles protect you from the magic of Azlan - God forbid…
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Hey mr Osadetz,
Sounds sweet, quite a story. How nice you’re surfin again, the mexican waves any better than the Aussie ones? When I hear all this traveling excitement I want to go again as well. Is mexico beautifull dispite the people?
Come to Amsterdam one day, Ciao Harry and yes, for me writing in english is harder than talkin crap in english…
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:12 pm
o yeah, nice hair bro.. haha, I just remember you with very short hair..
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Who would have thought an american could be so deep…??? Sorry I missed you along the Michoacan. Until next time I guess.
April 24th, 2009 at 2:06 am
I could write a novel full of “ignorant douchebags I’ve met while traveling” stories. An Australian girl asked me what the main difference between Canadians and Americans was, to which I replied, “We like hockey and maple syrup, instead of football and killing arabs.”
Then she accused me of being racist.
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I’m sorry to hear you had an experience with such a terrible person Alan. I hope someday the world will be changed so everyone will be as kind and earnest as yourself.
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